Conscious Inklings Blog. IDEAS, INSIGHTS & INK-SPIRATION. / let-go

I was having a conversation with a family friend recently and the topic shifted to the importance of forgiveness.  My conversation partner mentioned that she felt like she was pretty good at forgiving people and I responded by telling her that I forgive, but that first I need a resolution.  She very quickly pointed out that that was not, in fact, forgiveness because forgiveness is not conditional.  When she said this, I had an immediate physical reaction.

I wanted to argue with her, to defend myself, and to tell her that you can’t just decide to forgive someone.  I wanted to say that you have to truly feel forgiveness before you can bestow it upon someone else, and as much sometimes I wish I could, I can’t choose what to feel.  Clearly, her comment had struck a nerve, and in my experience, that typically means that someone has shone a light on a truth that is difficult to face.

Since our conversation, I noticed that messages about forgiveness were popping up all around me, and once again, I knew that the universe was trying to show me the places inside of myself where I still had room to grow.  If I am going to be really honest, I have not been very good at forgiving people.  I have struggled with holding on to hurt and anger, and at points, have held grudges for very long periods of time.

I used to think of forgiveness as something that we do for someone else, to release another person from their guilt, but in recent years, I have had a new experience of forgiveness.  I have had moments in which, quite spontaneously, I could feel myself releasing the hurt and anger that I had held onto from old, broken relationships.  These moments left me humbled as I felt the heavy burden of carrying all of that negative energy lift, and this new sense of lightness led me to the realization that forgiveness is much more about the individual who is giving forgiveness than the one who is receiving it.

The actions of others that tend to hurt and anger us the most are usually the ones that reflect the parts of ourselves with which we struggle most intensely.  The things that are the hardest to forgive are often the things that hit closest to home, the things that we too feel guilt around.  Just like you have to truly love yourself before you can love another, you must also forgive yourself before you can forgive others, and the key that unlocks the door to forgiveness is compassion.

Jack Kornfield says that, “forgiveness simply means never putting another person out of your heart.”  As we develop a deep sense of compassion for ourselves, we can extend that love and understanding to include those around us.  While it may not be possible to simply choose to feel forgiveness toward someone, we can start with trying to understand that person.  Even the tiniest spark of empathy can be fed and tended to until it builds into the full flame of compassion that allows us to release hurt and pain and to let go The temporary tattoos in the Conscious Ink Store were designed to promote personal growth and inspire people to live the most authentic, blissful lives they can imagine.

Someone asked me recently what my greatest accomplishment was, and to be honest, I was completely stumped.  I thought about my life and surveyed my experiences trying to determine what I was most proud of.  As I tried to think of all of the things I had achieved in my life, I realized that what I was most proud of was not something I had done so much as it was who I had become.

For so much of my life, I lived in a place of self-doubt and self-criticism.  I was so quick to ask myself “what if I can’t?” or “what if I fail?”  I chose the paths that seemed to pose the least amount of risk; but by playing it safe, I was depriving myself of opportunities for true growth and ignoring the voice deep inside of me that was beckoning me to follow my heart, to pursue the things that made me feel most alive, and to create the life that I dreamt of.

Over time, I realized that telling myself that my dreams were too big and settling for a life that seemed "good enough" was not a path to happiness.  I realized that, in order to find true fulfillment, I needed to be the architect of my own world, to develop my own unique vision of a full and happy life, and then work to create that every day.   But before I could create the life that I wanted, I needed to do some internal spring-cleaning and clear out the clutter that had accumulated in my life.  I needed to let go of the fear, the self-doubt, and the beliefs that were holding me back from living my bliss.

It is a never-ending process, and it requires a consistent, conscious effort, but as I began to clear away the thoughts and behaviors that were no longer serving me, I was surprised by the things that I found, things that were always there but had been buried under all of the negative self-talk and limiting beliefs.  I found courage, not as something that magically appears out of nowhere, but as something that can be practiced and developed.  I found faith, as I surrendered myself to a life of authenticity.  The "what if"s no longer held so much weight as I found that choosing the things that feel right and true for me at my core will always lead me to where I should be.  And as I began to make authenticity a way of life, I found a kind of happiness that I had never known before--a happiness that radiates from deep within me, one that doesn’t hinge upon the opinions of others or things going my way or measurable forms of success.  The happiness that I found was the joyful experience of truly being myself and its has impacted my life in so many ways.

I am now more present, every day.  I work harder at everything I do because I own the choices I make and choose to do the things that nourish my soul.  I try to embrace every experience as an opportunity to learn and grow, and I bring more positivity into my relationships and the world around me because I have discovered a powerful source of love and light inside of myself, and I am absolutely certain that there is no accomplishment that could be greater than that.

“Whomever you truly are... honor that person. No dream was ever realized by disappearing into the shadows of self-deceit and doubt.”  - Jaeda DeWalt

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Frank Gjata: Yes! The simple act of acknowledging is so very powerful. This has become the foundation of my work as a coach/facilitator.